eulogy- it stares back

i hate to write "cancer is intelligent than the sum of all its parts" . my ego takes a beating to say that cancer is powerful.

i was having this discussion with a dear friend of mine, and he pointed to an insight that is very profound.
"cancer is a lesson on why fittest survive".

even more disturbing is the fact that, almost every medicine that is available on this planet to fight cancer is designed to defend a territory already conquered by cancer.

my aunt too lost the battle. she is among the millions who breathed away their life battling cancer. she was treated by the finest doctors available to her. but cancer has its way of jumping back, just when we think its done.
she left behind my beautiful cousins.

looking back to the last few days, endlessly praying, crying, shedding remorseful tears, talking, finding excuses for her to stay along, i guess i was finding reasons for her to keep my part alive.

she was never my aunt. she was like my elder sister and we would often bicker over silly things.
with her she took away a part of me, a part i was trying to preserve and keep alive.

her struggle through the radiation cycles, the chemos that followed, looked effortless, and i wonder if she really had any problems. she was smiling all the way, infact she smiled through all her life troubles as well.

all she cared always, in all ways was well being for her kids. the schools they were put into, the upbringing they had to the care and the concern they were given.
sometimes the bounds are set so tight that we just end up hitting against the invisible wall.
if each of us is blessed with free will to make a choice and carve our destinies, then does it mean we create our fate too. dont know.

cut back to last two years. we never felt she was suffering. she was energy filled among all her co-patients and she would gossip even there!!!
since early this year, her state started deteriorating. each complication led to the other. normal problems like cough and cold would leave a pneumonia patch in her lungs and infect her severely. cancer ate away into her immunity when it learnt it was failing.

cancer taught me and pushed me against the wall. it showed me how small i am.
i also feel, cancer was the best thing happened to her. it muted all her pain, her agony , the mental turmoil that she went through here. cancer didnt kill her, it can never do, it was her shortcut to the peaceful attic.
she's high up there silently watching in peace, as we are tangled up in the mirth of life.

why this kolaveri

September 30th saw flagging of Telangana march near Necklace road in Hyderabad. For the un-initiated, Telangana is a part of Andhrapradesh and constitutes around 10 major districts. Telangana was a separate region and came under Hyderabad Province during erstwhile British Raj, and was merged with Andhra Pradesh after much agitation in 1956.

As a non- localite, i couldnt really understand why there is or there isnt a need for a separate state.
It made me read resources available on the internet on the history of the problem and appreciate if not fully, but to a great extent the intensity of the problem.

Telangana forms a part of the Deccan plateau, which comprises of few areas of Maharashtra and Karnataka as well.
Being a plateau, and primarily the heads of Krishna and Godavari rivers, the primary occupation of people here is agriculture. Although they are primarily dependent on rainfall for agriculture.

Also, since the region is well forms as a hub for for states surrounding it, industry and commerce is also practiced as a source of livelihood.

There a many many reasons why there is a need for a separate state, and there are equal number of reasons if not more for not having a separate state.
eg. separating Pakistan from India for a Muslim only country did not cause them or us less problems or solve their or ours existing problems.
and at the same time
having Kashmir as a part of India hasnt caused more or less problems for India.

Each state created or destroyed had their own victories and fallacies and perhaps in a democratic state like ours, democracy is abused by few autocrats for their own selfish gains. (this topic for some other day)

what gets buried deep is the voice of the common man, although he is the shield that the powerful bunch wield to protect their mole hill , and it is a commonalty to see the poor butchered.

long years ago, there was kingdom that wooed the mercenaries of east,
it wooed for all her riches, she stood resilient as she was plundered.
she provided in abundance to her kids, even as they fought
they used their hands to wield the sickle and destroy the lotus.
the sickle wielders claimed the land as theirs, tethered ones claimed said its theirs.
but no one is asking her, to whom does she belong?

Mahatma

Although, I am too very small to write about Mahatma Gandhi, I would put few questions here, which always intrigue me about him.

One of the many books that my dad gifted me, Gandhiji for children introduced me to Gandhiji, and i read it as a kid only to prepare for elocution speeches at school. I always won them, because the thoughts and ideas and the personality is so profound, i feel the medium is immaterial ;).

Ok, so that introduced me to 'My Experiments with truth', that was the first full size biography i read. It was tough, because meree english kacchi hain .  But as i read and re-read every few years, i start to learn even more (unlearn more)

What must have driven a very homely, secure, shy man to take up a cause and lead the entire nation.
What must have happened, when on that opportune train ride to Johannesburg, he was thrown out of the First Class compartment, inspite of having a legitimate pass.

What made him take up celibacy, to take up Buddhism, before inspiring the nation?

What element made him choose the path of non-violence. What made the entire nation follow his path.

What is it in him, that still has so much impact on the world.

Each day, why does his relevance in today's changing time seem more and more apt.

Was the path taken by him was a way for self discovery, and all he wanted to do was know his Self?
Dont know.

thoughts on thought

how many times do we see, that there is no difference of an inch in what we think and what we see.

There are so many actions that I am guilty of; very few I take pride in, I find in the zero sum analysis i thought them all. I fed thoughts with life and energy, and they manifested. There were no surprises.

Animated and expressive person as i am, i make a fool of myself when i see some eventuality, and realize that it was already thought out.

I find it surprising, how i feed energy to a thought, till it expresses in physical form. This dis-illusion re-affirms that thought indeed is real. All external things are manifestations of the thought.

So must be the case with each one of us.

We all have our own unique world and each of us has created it for himself/herself by his/her unique thoughts and the energy fed to it.

Our interactions with the world are but physical manifestations of our thoughts.

So if we think greatness or think downfall, either ways it is right.

I had half-hearted faith in this idea. and never really paid much attention, even after having read long long back the "the alchemist"-Paulo Cohelo, until I experienced. 

So I would continue to believe that we indeed can; and we alone can create and shape the world around us, through conscious thoughts, and enable unique unaltered manifestation of our thoughts.
Good or Bad, they are there and they are right. Always.

Perspective

We are like that only

The local mess serves us some delicious morning breakfast with well laid out pooris, 'doshas'(that's how they pronounce dosas. See I just picked up on how weird someone else's pronunciation sounds. We are like that only. We always pick up on where others faulted or looked funny. Strange no?

Things to do

Things to do. They get all guns pointed. They burn all bridges. They inspire.

My things to do...

Although, i do not remember how limitless i was feeling to write them down, the feeling is still there.

Few of the  'Things to do' have changed and have transpired into more meaningful goals.
Each day getting back to this list gives me an affirmative.
There is also an awareness when there would be negatives days on end. I'll know it's time to change then

Till then.... it is very much happening

Just Because

Just because,

                   she is honest, doesnt mean she is outspoken
                   she appeared quiet, doesnt mean she didnt have a lot to say
                   she appeared happy, dosent mean everything was okay
                   she laughed a lot, doesnt mean she doesnt take things seriously
                   she is forgiving, dosent mean she can be taken for granted
                   she doesnt show her feelings, doesnt mean she doesnt have any

What it does mean, she is the best girl you can have.
PS: it could be your beloved mother, darling sister, dearest soulmate or a new found friend, whom you seem to be knowing for ages
                      

(inspired writes)

The Fisherman and Businessman

There was once a businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Brazilian village.
As he sat, he saw a Brazilian fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore having caught quite few big fish.
The businessman was impressed and asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fish?”

There was no fear

The entire nation is riding in the wave of fight against corruption. Shri Anna Hazare is hence the public face to fight off in this crusade
There are many experiences to be shared, but prominent among them would be my experience at Azad Maidan on 16th August 2011.
There is a flipside to not reporting events on the same day..though i'll try to do justice the emotional surge on that day