eulogy- it stares back

i hate to write "cancer is intelligent than the sum of all its parts" . my ego takes a beating to say that cancer is powerful.

i was having this discussion with a dear friend of mine, and he pointed to an insight that is very profound.
"cancer is a lesson on why fittest survive".

even more disturbing is the fact that, almost every medicine that is available on this planet to fight cancer is designed to defend a territory already conquered by cancer.

my aunt too lost the battle. she is among the millions who breathed away their life battling cancer. she was treated by the finest doctors available to her. but cancer has its way of jumping back, just when we think its done.
she left behind my beautiful cousins.

looking back to the last few days, endlessly praying, crying, shedding remorseful tears, talking, finding excuses for her to stay along, i guess i was finding reasons for her to keep my part alive.

she was never my aunt. she was like my elder sister and we would often bicker over silly things.
with her she took away a part of me, a part i was trying to preserve and keep alive.

her struggle through the radiation cycles, the chemos that followed, looked effortless, and i wonder if she really had any problems. she was smiling all the way, infact she smiled through all her life troubles as well.

all she cared always, in all ways was well being for her kids. the schools they were put into, the upbringing they had to the care and the concern they were given.
sometimes the bounds are set so tight that we just end up hitting against the invisible wall.
if each of us is blessed with free will to make a choice and carve our destinies, then does it mean we create our fate too. dont know.

cut back to last two years. we never felt she was suffering. she was energy filled among all her co-patients and she would gossip even there!!!
since early this year, her state started deteriorating. each complication led to the other. normal problems like cough and cold would leave a pneumonia patch in her lungs and infect her severely. cancer ate away into her immunity when it learnt it was failing.

cancer taught me and pushed me against the wall. it showed me how small i am.
i also feel, cancer was the best thing happened to her. it muted all her pain, her agony , the mental turmoil that she went through here. cancer didnt kill her, it can never do, it was her shortcut to the peaceful attic.
she's high up there silently watching in peace, as we are tangled up in the mirth of life.

why

Often on days i wonder, 'why am i the way i am'. It feels very heavy inside sometimes, and at other times there is void inside, the deep vaccum sucking in every single emotion around, good or bad. And some other times, there is this muted feeling, that lets the wierdest emotion to take a pass.

I wonder sometimes
why things arent the way they should be?
why the world around isnt the way i dream about?
why do people think undoing acts?
why do two people love each other inspite of misgivings?
why sometimes they fight with each other and break away?
why sometimes in small acts, there is so much joy
and why in some big acts, there is little purity

why doesn't everyone see what i see
why do i dont see what they see
why do i feel i am the cause
and why sometimes i am the reason
why is there so much ambiguity
and why isnt the world in binaries

why do things go astray, when i say
"boy, this thing is going to be great"
and why sometimes things turn around,
where none is expected

i guess, someone already listens and loves to play
and plays opposite of what i think
this is why, this post is 'why'
questioning eternally

why this kolaveri

September 30th saw flagging of Telangana march near Necklace road in Hyderabad. For the un-initiated, Telangana is a part of Andhrapradesh and constitutes around 10 major districts. Telangana was a separate region and came under Hyderabad Province during erstwhile British Raj, and was merged with Andhra Pradesh after much agitation in 1956.

As a non- localite, i couldnt really understand why there is or there isnt a need for a separate state.
It made me read resources available on the internet on the history of the problem and appreciate if not fully, but to a great extent the intensity of the problem.

Telangana forms a part of the Deccan plateau, which comprises of few areas of Maharashtra and Karnataka as well.
Being a plateau, and primarily the heads of Krishna and Godavari rivers, the primary occupation of people here is agriculture. Although they are primarily dependent on rainfall for agriculture.

Also, since the region is well forms as a hub for for states surrounding it, industry and commerce is also practiced as a source of livelihood.

There a many many reasons why there is a need for a separate state, and there are equal number of reasons if not more for not having a separate state.
eg. separating Pakistan from India for a Muslim only country did not cause them or us less problems or solve their or ours existing problems.
and at the same time
having Kashmir as a part of India hasnt caused more or less problems for India.

Each state created or destroyed had their own victories and fallacies and perhaps in a democratic state like ours, democracy is abused by few autocrats for their own selfish gains. (this topic for some other day)

what gets buried deep is the voice of the common man, although he is the shield that the powerful bunch wield to protect their mole hill , and it is a commonalty to see the poor butchered.

long years ago, there was kingdom that wooed the mercenaries of east,
it wooed for all her riches, she stood resilient as she was plundered.
she provided in abundance to her kids, even as they fought
they used their hands to wield the sickle and destroy the lotus.
the sickle wielders claimed the land as theirs, tethered ones claimed said its theirs.
but no one is asking her, to whom does she belong?

Mahatma

Although, I am too very small to write about Mahatma Gandhi, I would put few questions here, which always intrigue me about him.

One of the many books that my dad gifted me, Gandhiji for children introduced me to Gandhiji, and i read it as a kid only to prepare for elocution speeches at school. I always won them, because the thoughts and ideas and the personality is so profound, i feel the medium is immaterial ;).

Ok, so that introduced me to 'My Experiments with truth', that was the first full size biography i read. It was tough, because meree english kacchi hain .  But as i read and re-read every few years, i start to learn even more (unlearn more)

What must have driven a very homely, secure, shy man to take up a cause and lead the entire nation.
What must have happened, when on that opportune train ride to Johannesburg, he was thrown out of the First Class compartment, inspite of having a legitimate pass.

What made him take up celibacy, to take up Buddhism, before inspiring the nation?

What element made him choose the path of non-violence. What made the entire nation follow his path.

What is it in him, that still has so much impact on the world.

Each day, why does his relevance in today's changing time seem more and more apt.

Was the path taken by him was a way for self discovery, and all he wanted to do was know his Self?
Dont know.

little angel on my shoulder

She's brutal always. My early encounters with boolean logic was because of her.

Of all the complex, grey, shaded things in life, i learnt polarity through her. 

Most complex questions, grey areas disappear when i lay my case in front of her. she has been one of my two angels(other angel- a huge teddy -some other post) sitting on my shoulder uncomplicating hairy, tarballs of complex crap and guiding me on a binary path. it is either 1 or a 0. 

She has been a gift to me, though i could never really reciprocate it back to her. She was gifted to me by Lord on this day many years back. It has been a privilege seeing her grow since then.

Like a true rebel she beats down common dogmas that i sometimes tend to advocate, and like a gracious ballerina, she also would swirl and whirl her way into her undertakings.

She is my little sister and today is her birthday. here is one of her pieces of design jig. 

this to me is a symbol of purity of spirit, it is beautiful.

i have many people around me, whom i wish to emulate and draw inspiration from. she's one of them.